Jesus was perfect

I have realized that seeking a relationship with another person to change how I feel about myself, is almost like seeking a drug. To be intoxicated and not think of myself, while I am with the other person. But I can today make changes to seek after my Higher power to assist me with looking at myself in a healthy way and making necessary changes to my life. If I am seeking another person to change how I feel about myself then I obviously am not ready for a relationship. A relationship is not about getting but giving. I have learned that I need to take care of myself first, if I cannot take care of myself then I cannot take care of anyone else. My serenity, my sobriety, my spirituality comes first. As I learn to love myself and to get rid of all unrealistic expectations then I can learn to live and love myself. If God loves me regardless of my socio economic status, regardless of whether I am single or not, regardless of how much money I have in the bank, regardless if I am a Martha Steward lookalike then I can love good ole April too. If I stop placing unrealistic expectations on myself then maybe I can learn to like me. If I can stop thinking I have to beat a timeclock and get a college degree by tomorrow then maye I can like me. If I can stop thinking I have to be a perfect mother then I can love me. If I can stop thinking that I have to be perfect in all that I do, come on. Learn to let go a little. There's no one to measure up to. I will get the college degree when I get the college degree. I am going to let go of all the pressure to do so much. I am only one person, I can only do so much. I am going to let go of trying to be the perfect mother and instill that on my child. I don't want him to be a perfectionist growing up. Jesus will accept me into heaven regardless of these things, He will accept me into heaven because He died for my sins and paid the price for my sins. I am valuable to Him. And it is not because of anything that I did. Healing is not anything that I do. It is because of Him and what He did on a cross. His death on the cross, purchased my freedom. His death on the cross and His resurrection, buried the power of sin. It no longer has dominion over me. Sin can no longer hold me down. I can get a little grace for my weaknesses. Today I do not have to be perfect before Him.

Free love

It's me, right here

out here in the open
the radar is no longer necessary
im in the great wide open
under the sun
feeling the cool breeze across my face
just knowing that everything and myself
really is okay
i no longer feel bogged down by insanity
by a frenzy
by craziness
i no longer feel like the world is caving in on me
its such a free world
such a beautiful place
i dont feel like i can return to the old
i prefer the new
i prefer this awesomeness
it makes me feel like a child of a loving Dad
who is watching over me
and wants the best for me
who treasures me and who
thinks that I am just amazing
and I feel like the one He wanted me to be
It is finally happening

I love ya !

---there is so much i want to tell you
so much that i cannot give by words
all i can say
God is a miracle worker and somehow or other, He found a way to make it in
a way to be a light within me
a way to shine so bright
a way that I truly feel the mind of Christ
and feel like this kindness is real within me
a place where I dont feel like a hypocrite
but feel His love is real and perfect
I know a new freedom
I know He is real
His presence is like a waterfall, His love is like a cool breeze,
I know unconditional love
I know that unconditional love is giving to you, not expecting anything in return, tears come to my eyes because a love has been touched within my heart

Look at 1 corinthians chapter 13 the love chapter tonight
love does not seek its own, love does not envy, it does not puff up, it does not boast, it holds no records or wrongs, it always perserveres, it never fails, it will always hold up, it does not rejoice in evil, it does not harm, this is true love, i dont care what anyone else says, this is my Gods love and no one will take it away from me, no man can separate me from the love of Christ. In the song of songs, it states I am His and He is mine.

Silence

Silence is golden. Be silent, be still and wait upon God. Be still and know that He is God.

Sacrifice of praise

I lift up a sacrifice of praise, it's praise that lifts the yoke of heaviness. When will I be able to feel like I am doing something new? Or when can I feel like God is doing something new in me? When you go on with the same things, with the same job, when and how do you feel like God is doing something new? And why does it seem like my cross is the hardest to bear? And why do I even look at others and their crosses? My cross was made for me. How can I expect to bear the same cross as someone else? When will I let go of all of the heaviness? I can let go today. Any day, and everyday I can start again. I can start over. At any moment in time. When my soul aches and my body feels as if it's been broken in a million pieces, I want the refreshing that comes from gathering together with other people. When I feel this cross is too much to bear, who will help me carry it some of the way? Just for a little while. The stress of the cross makes me bow down. Have I completely let go? Have I made it to the top of the hill where I can die in silence? When the darkness comes and I cry out Father why have you forsaken me and let the work of the cross become finished. When I am dead and theres nothing left to take from me. Do I want to run quickly to the cross, or do I want to run away from it? Did Jesus run away from the cross, no if He did that would mean He was running away from me. But He embraced the cross and willingly accepted it, it doesn't say anywhere in the bible that He liked it, in fact, in the bible it says that He patiently endured the cross. So I am to patiently endure the cross. Not my will, but thy will be done Lord. All I know is that the bible I read, states that we are to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling. What does that mean really? It says to humbly offer myself as a living sacrifice. For that is my worship before God. I am worshipping God not only when I sing but by offering myself as living sacrifice. Sometimes I say, no, I don't want to offer myself as a sacrifice today. And some days, I say, yes take all of me and make me yours. Again and again. Other days I may not even think of it. I only want to live by the words that come out Jesus' mouth.

Thank God it's Friday

There was a day before when I yearned for Friday, when I used to get high and slum around the hood, waiting to be found. Waiting, waiting and waiting, until I ran into a stranger who taught me things I never knew and lo and behold, I gave my life to a living God, Jesus Christ. Who gave me joy when I knew none, when I could not comprehend the term happy. I am happy right now, I am happy its Friday, enough of the 9-5, well for me its 12-9p. Enough is enough. The weekend is here and it's gonna be a good one. So laugh and play all you want. Make it a good one. Make it the best you can, because today and tomorrow will never come again. Tomorrow is like a portal into another world, the way the day comes and goes and disappears is a mystery. The mystery of reality, the mystery of where did yesterday go? Just where do all the yesterdays go? In God's book that is where. I long to see his face. A person who has my heart. A person who catches my attention. Thats all I can say. Good night.

Hola

I write while not yet quite off from work. I work from home which is a plus during this gas crisis. I think about how global warming was not such a big deal when I was 8 years old. I am not 29 and pray that we will make changes in our world to let our children live much longer. One thing I do know is that if we as a nation, repent before God Almighty, I believe He will grant mercy on our nation. I think the economic crises occurring today will only lead us closer to Christ. Without His help, I don't think there is much hope. Do we even dare to think that God can help us with our environmental problems? Yes, I do. The word of God states that God is slow to judge wishing that all would come to repentance. His kindness leads to repentance. His word says to cast all of our cares upon Him for He cares for us. Can we cast this care of global warming to Him, I would call a national fast and have everyone young and old, big and small, pray before the Lord for mercy. To cy out for Him to turn His face to us so that we can see restoration in our land. I would like to see all of the churches in every city, calling a fast to pray for our nation. To cry about the injustices, to cry out for the children, to cry out to God to pour out His power on our nation. My desire is that all churches would see the urgency of the crises, not only environmental but financial as well in our land and do something about it. To wake up and pray, to wake up and arise to be who she is. The church is a mighty force when it is realized how powerful she really is. It would be such a terrible waste to see power go unused. I'm sure that makes God sad. To see us not really living up to our potential as followers of Christ Jesus. With such a mighty power within and yet doing nothing with it. Wake us up Lord, no matter what the cost!

Alabaster Jar

Wow. Thought I'd never do something like this. Seems I am becoming more open minded to technology and who can be affected by it. Here is one of my favorite words for the day, alabaster, according to Merriams Websters Dictionary that means, a compact fine-textured usu. white and translucent gypsum often carved into objects (like vases0, and it also means a hard translucent calcite. Point being alabaster is pretty darn hard to break. A pretty popular bookstore carried alabaster paperweights and bookends at one time and they are just gorgeous but you can tell the quality of the product is that it is a very heavy type of substance, almost like glass, anyhow, I bring up this term because I want to reference some bible verses that have to deal with alabaster, which are the following, Matthew 26:7, There came unto Him a woman having an alabaster box of very precious ointment, and poured it on His head, as he sat at meat. And Luke 7:37-38 And, behold, a woman in the city, which was a sinner, when she knew that Jesus sat at meat in the Pharisees house, brought an alabaster jar of ointment, and stood at His feet with tears, and did wipe them with the hairs of her head, and kissed his feet, and anointed them with the ointment. Now I do not know what the jar looked like, but I do know, that anythng put in an alabaster jar has got to be worth something. Some of the verses following this scripture in the book of Matthew indicate the worth of the ointment was alot. So this woman gave what was worth something. And I share this because lately, I believe that in my heart, God is wanting what is worth something, God wants us to break the alabaster jar of worship in our hearts which can be used to anoint the feet and head of Jesus our Lord. Its a very special thing to break out of the alabaster jars of our hearts and give to this man, the Son of God who was God. Do i always pour out whats in the Alabaster jar of my heart? No, sometimes pride can keep me from doing this, but in the bible verses following these verses I have written, you can see how people judged her for her act of worship. Am I supposed to just stand in Gods presence when I do desperately want to stop and give Him everything and demonstrate that through violent dance and worship?
Let me push my pride to the side. There have been times that I have been in certain church worship services and feel like I cant break free, I feel like I am the only one who wants to just jump up and down, and if I do, I have to be careful because someone may walk right in front of my and my arms will smack them in the face. I think people should allow people to just worship. Which brings me to my next topic. Who said anything about any type of order in church services , such as worship, prayer and then a sermon. Church was not created as a form of entertainment and is not meant to be impersonal and something that we just fit into our schedule. It is a bold gathering of putting Jesus first and coming together for His purpose. But today, we taylor church services to our personal schedules. My personal belief is that we should always put God first and our agendas second. Gods agenda comes first. Can we just lay it aside and trust and follow Him? Did the disciples even really have a choice when they left everything and followed Him? For such a great task. I say this because I personally am working on that in my life.