Love is selfless

Love is selfless.Love is wanting the ultimate best for the other person. Even if you will not be a part of their lives.

India

I want to go to Calcutta and help the women and children living on its streets. Mother Theresa has got to be one of my favorite figures in history. To push through, this so called "reality" in America, it is false, it is a lie. There is a Kingdom waiting to be built. It costs leaving behind what we think we know, what we think we should have, the way we think things should be like. Where the voices of the children are crying out for hope to gleam in their world but for just a moment. Yet, here in America, I can get so sidetracked by the line at the drive through in Starbucks. Come on! My biggest dilemma of the day is choosing which pairs of shoes to wear. While children are out there with no shoes on their feet. I want to collect shoes to send to India. To Calcutta. Can one child have just one new pair of shoes today? can one child just have the luxury of not cutting their feet while running through the streets in Calcutta?

Women in India

I never have been as open minded to India as now. I decided to take a class on Gender and Sexuality in India. Talk about enlightenment. I had no idea it had taken hundreds of years for women to get to where they are now in India. It was the christians who came as missionaries to India who introduced the concept of education to India's women. Many women converted to Christianity and started schools in their home. One woman, a Muslem, wrote a book called Sultana's Dream, where women rule the world. Think of that, the oppression rang so heavy that it came out through the voice of their literature. I weeped just knowing that there had been such a fight for women to get to where they are now. It has taken many a struggles of even the voices of men crying out for the women to be set free. Men, who were destined to be born for such a purpose. There is a call God puts on the lives of men to be born for specific purposes. Politics can be a call to ministry. Through political offices and the heavy hearts of the officers are opportunities for justice to prevail. For liberation to break free. God used many men, not really knowing why they were born to be that voice.

I'm stunned by how quickly I can leave my Father's side. It's like I see a clown or a circus, and my ears are raised up and off I run. Only to find that it's not something God wanted me to know or have or be a part of. God in His rich mercy comes and visits me in the morning like the morning dew and drapes me with His love. Which is like a sweet river that I swim in and around in. How blessed am I that He will come and sit with me and give me that thing that I so desperately need, that no man can give to me. He is awesome and astounding. His love is too good to be true and I am amazed by it. He amazes me. TIme and time again, He is fairer than ten thousand, fairer than the sons of men. Fairer than them all. It is pleasant to run off and be with Him. It is pleasant to just dive into His love and into His heart. His heart is an open door that welcomes all to come in and search it out. It's like going into this deep place in the Spirit, into God's heart. There's stability, security and rock solid sureness of His love in His heart. I beseech you to ask Him to enter His heart and have a taste of His solid steadfast love. It is surely a great way to spend some time with Him.

New things yay!

God is doing something new in my life. How good it feels to shed off years of the old, only to enter in to this new place. I am delighted.

Church

Arrrgh I want to scream. Worship is more than just giving God praise....it's entering His gates with thanskgiving and His courts with praise to stand in awe of Him and fall and worship Him and adore Him. Adoration. I can't stand churches that just expect you to be completely peppy all of the time, anyone can be peppy, but not everyone can adore. I long for adoration to break forth, it's more than just words. It doesn't even matter if anyone is jumping around or not, it's about Him and worshipping Him in your heart. Worship is more than just a song, it's a lifestyle, it's a heart attitude. How can people sing songs about being free to run and dance when they've got everyone barricaded in theater seating? I guess I have to go in the front where there's room. It was so funny, I sat in a row by the door this morning and all the people who were streaming in late were standing right walking and pausing right in front of me as if me worshipping was nothing. I silently closed my eyes and just focused on God and felt Him there with me and felt love for these people who just don't know any better. I mean if I saw someone worshipping I wouldn't stand right in front of them, I'd respect that they were worshipping and move on my way. But perhaps they don't know how to worship you God. I feel like I'm having to move past a lot of people and their acts of unlovliness. It's like if they don't know what manners are, or what they should do. If they are old timers in a church they should make people feel welcome. It's almost as if they act just like the world would, there are people I know that act very nice and courteous, more than people do in a church. It's crazy, but I feel more comfortable around people who are in this world because for the most part they are consistent, even if they are rude sometimes, then people in the church, because theres so much inconsistency, you never know if someone is going to choose to extend love in the church or not. And that's pretty sad, but I trust that God knows what He is doing, and He sees all things, and He will take care of those people when they act cold and unloving and rude. In whatever way that is that He brings correction. I can't hold on to it, I just have to trust Him.

Nothing

Pain bleeds

Pain bleeds a color that I will try and call red. The blood that is shed. When my head feels like it's been hit by a ton of bricks. Make that 10,000 x 10,010. If numbness isn't the answer, im screeching for this to be made better. Why would it hurt so much? I don't understand? Hearts being broken is a crushing blow, but it had nothing to do with me I know. So go, on marching on, it'll be alright, I feel as if I've been left to die. When will this be over, I wonder, I yearn, I desperately want this to end, but the pain of yesterday is left with nothing unsaid. She speaks to me, from days of old, when I brushed everything aside only to be told. What's real is not and what isn't is, how I truly begin again? A smashing pain on the inside of my brain, my neurons spin like crazy and emotional pain is definitely real, yet how exactly do my neurons convey the message of a broken heart, and how would they know that anyway? When your heart has been pierced, and left to bleed, I'm sure you are thinkin of everything but me. I can't pick up your anger because it's hurting me, so i will try and do my best to move on willingly. Give me dreams to dream again, give me visions to love again, because this can't possibly be the end. My imagination wants something greater. Loving to want to live is fair. Give me dreams and visions again, take allt hat have, because there's nothing left in here. What's mine is yours and better tomorrows are around every corner, I know there is an end to sorrows. My eyes hurt from seeing life, my skin hurts from feeling alive, my heart weighs heavy, from all of the strife, bring an end to it now, how long does a heart have to heal, and why do i allow myself to let you have a piece of my heart, when devastation can be so real? To truly love and trust again is my heart's desire, I dare to run, Lord if this is your fire, it has burned and singed me, and I dont want to be a liar. A follower has to give you their all and if that means im a teary eyed mess, screeching out from the pain then take me higher, then I've ever been because its you that I desire. Only bring me soothing relief and if it never comes, pain has got to be brief. Take my life and make it what you want it to be, I have nothing to lose I give you everything. --ar

How do I?

How do I describe the threshing floor of pain

that is following me from day to day

today theres a huge gap so wide that

you'd swear that you've never seen anything quite like

it before

but I tell you it's real

it's right here

if I could show you

you'd shrink back with a gasp so loud

that it'd break a tower of a thousand champagne glasses

afloat

trying to keep the head above water

when it feels this chain is attached

to me much stronger than I believed

so sing to me o sweet sweet soul

You are the only One who truly knows

when the pain races around like a

roadrunner on super high

i think to myself well if this is living

im sure feeling life

its like a ton of bricks hittin

me when i jumped off a movin train

a pain so deep youd be amazed

that itd be truly possibly to be singin again

but yet i hold on to the tune

that seems to help all this pain pass through

but i swear no one ever told me love came

through the pain of a large gaping wound

is it truly possible to survive this mess

when i took a dive i thought these steps were blessed

i dove off the board

into what seemed to be calling me

into its arms

only to be twisted and trying to turn

this is a maze

a lifesize labrynth

i search and i search

and my Beloved seems to be far off

yet just when i give up He speaks to me

and tells me im near

yet come closer i yell!

shes lying broken

a thousand little pieces

waiting for Christ to come and

do that he thing he does

because he knows so well

that a vessel which hasnt been broken

cant be used very much

it hurts it stings

it cost me all that i had

and yet this is the sacrifice you desired

the one of a surrendered life

take it

use it

only do it quick

i dont know how much i can take

i dont want to quit

use me

make me Yours

again and again

i count on you my One true Friend--ar

truth

let us be honest. I am not in a place where I used to be. I am in transition. Transition of making new changes, transition of not knowing where I am going. Pefectly in God's will eh? It seems that's how He works. Takes us to places we don't know that we are going to. I also know that I can trust where He is taking me. There are some things that I need to give up, but want to do it out of honesty, not falsely, not falsely telling Him, take this thing from me and taking it back or holding on to it. I also want to do things because I know He wants me to love myself and that is part of His will. If I am doing something to please those around me, I don't quite think that is so genuine also. Help me love me Lord like you do. Help me want to want to love me like you do. Help me know that only through your divine intervention can you really assist me. When I am weak He is strong. Not everything I do is beneficial to me as well. I may be free to do what I like but that does not mean it is going to help me. It seems sometimes that through pain do I truly grow. And not necessarily that I have to make things hard for myself but through the hard times which are painful and where He wants me to die to self, those painful times, I experience growth through. And let us say that the moment I said yes to God, the lessons were allowed to happen in my life. The lessons of learning I don't get what I want all the time when I think I should have it. That God is soverign and does what He likes when He sees fit to do so. And I cannot change that. I can petition Him and ask Him, yet if it is not time then it is not time. This is a time to fulfill the dreams and visions that He has given to me. The dreams of what I want to do for Him. This is a time to become whole and that takes work. Not necessarily that I am driving myself to do something I do not want to, but the work of action. Faith without works is dead, taking steps to do things I have never done before. To get out of my confort zone and trust Him. Everything happens for a reason. He's got a reason around every corner of questionability. He's got a reason around every corner of that which does not make sense. Of that which I cannot puzzle piece together through my finite mind. He sees in full, I see only in part. Help me trust you more sweet God! For you are my only hope and the only one who can lift me out of my distresses. Lift me out the snare that so easily entangles me and set me free, for I desire you and you alone. Amen,let it be.